This is what Grace looks like.

I am a terrible Christian.

With the morning off, I had time to stare down the barrel of impending doom in T minus 2.5 weeks. My heart, mind and body seized with fear. I cursed God all the way out because I couldn't see any further than right now. I doubted not only His love for me, but His intentions, goodness and existence. I threw my fists in the air wondering why I have to go through this alone. "I don't want to sell my house! How does a good God bless me with a home, only to take it away?!" I screamed. I contemplated setting a match to my house, or at the very least, drinking myself numb. And then I went to work.

We were busy at the BT, so I was able to partially put my feelings aside as I focused on doing my job. Around 9:30 I went outside to smoke. All of the days emotions and thoughts came flooding back to the front of my brain, and I start to weep and pray. "If you say I'm not really alone, then can you show me something? Do you actually hear me? Why do I have to go through this fear?!" Finally, 10:30 came around, and I was able to do my cash out for the night. In a piss poor attitude, I sit in the office next to the youngest line cook on our team (who has been with BT for 5 years, is a senior in high school, and a new dad). We discuss how tonight's service went, and the BS that went on. I don't know how it happened, but we started to talk about the new bar that my boss has in the works. The line cook tells me that a deal has been made for the new BT. The new building is slightly bigger than our current location, but has all the same beauty and appeal of our current location. The new menu has been tested here, unbeknownst to anyone. Lastly, there is a list of servers that the boss is taking with him...."Meg, you are on that list".

You can imagine the humility I felt for cursing God, and the repentance that quickly ensued.

However His reality is now, more than ever, set firmly in place.

A crack in the band of misfits.

So I fought with a coworker yesterday.

You have to understand. At the BT, we're a band of misfits who love each other like family. So when we fight, its heart breaking. I confronted coworker (Billy, who is a 44 year old boy) with some ish that I had heard, and asked him why he said it. His response was "because I don't like you." This was said in front of two younger coworkers. [My heart sank as I instantly reverted to that night that me, my parents and my ex-husband sat at the Starbucks and my dad asked Jeremy if he even liked me (let alone love me)....and Jeremy said "nope".] I nearly blacked out and screamed at Billy "Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again!" I was so angry and hurt. Later on, Billy came to me and acknowledged his malice intentions, and apologized.  He said his feelings were hurt because I defriended him on facebook.

Really?


I marinated on the stream of events the whole evening, and came to a few conclusions:

1. Facebook is a serious weapon.
2. I still have abandonment issues.
3. I'm hobbling along in the wilderness only thanks to God's mercy, and am in need of serious redemption.

Christmas Weekend 2011

My folks and my sister (and her family of 4) all crashed in my 1000 sq. foot house for the weekend (Thats right...7 people). If you know my family at all, we're loud and boisterous, with big personalities (even the 3 year old!).

When my parents arrived Friday night, they shared their story of how they were forced to foreclose on the house I grew up in. My dad, who is a big dude that never shows any kind of weakness or humility, humbly spoke of his inability to provide for my mother, and his lack of understanding of future consequences to his current disposition. Their desperation and lack of hope was heart breaking. I told them of my ambiguous future; having three weeks left before the BT closes forever with no break in my job hunt. I told them of my plan of bringing the mortgage company into the loop and seeing what their protocol is for when homeowners lose their jobs. I told them if I have to foreclose on my home too, then I would move to Georgia with them and look for work. It was a sign of relief that someone this close to them, who claims to be loved by Jesus, is experiencing similar hardship.

When I got home from work Saturday afternoon, my sister and her family were already here. Pop Pop and Maddy were playing in the back yard. We made dinner together, and Morgan shared with me that they were going to become members at their church. (You have to know my brother in law: He grew up Catholic, and has a lot of preconceived notions about "religion" and God. When he and Morgan first started dating, he would rant and rave to me about why I even go to church - or even believe in a God that would let things like 9/11 happen.) Mark came into the kitchen and told me that he was excited to join their church because the people there are great...and Morgan really likes it. Inside, my heart is in disbelief - did I just hear him correctly? He's excited?!?! 

The other stunner of the weekend was that my dad went to the local baptist church that my mom has been attending last weekend. EXCUSE ME?!?! My dad went to church on a day that was neither Christmas or Easter?!?!? The only thing he said was "I think the pastor might be blind. He talked of LaGrange as a wonderful place. He must not live here." I smiled, because I know that some people feel the same way about Wilmington. Crime, lack of  "good" jobs, predominately black and Spanish ethnicity and culture - the same things that define LaGrange are similar to that of Wilmington. I told him that it sounds like LaGrange needs Jesus just as much as Wilmington.

 Good thing he's omnipresent....and obviously on the move. ;)

Discussions with a Gay Romanian man.

Last night was wild. I was at a Christmas party with friends from the bar, and I starting talking with a Romanian gay stranger. Some how, we landed on the topic of religion. Huh. ;) I asked him what religion swept the land of Romania. He said it was a blend of Greek Orthodox and Russian Orthodox. I'm not really sure what that looks like. He said he wasnt a fan of "organized religion". I asked him to flush that out for me. He said that more people have died because of religious pursuits than all the world wars combined. I agreed that I have seen and read about people trying to push their own agendas while using God as a scapegoat. I guess I could have asked him what he thought of God in light of what religious pursuits people have. I'm pretty sure it gives people the wrong idea about God.

He also referenced how he's seen women be treated. He said that, in Romania, women have to cover their hair and face, and their not allowed to go behind the alter. The reasoning behind all of this is because of Eve. Because she screwed everything up is the reason for the hatred towards women. He responded with accountability for Adam, saying "Didn't he have free will?!?! Couldn't he have easily said no?" He claimed to be a feminist. :) I agreed on the accountability part, but then he said "Women hold so much more power than they know. They can get a straight man to do anything."  After giggling, I wondered: How does this man understand the inherent power women have?

I must say, it was a very interesting conversation.