Here I am...In the desert.

From my reading this morning, where Romans quoted Hosea 2:23:

I will plant her for myself in the land

I will show my love to the one I called "not my loved one"

I will say to those called "not my people" 'you are my people'

and they will say "you are my God"

Now I never want to take scripture out of context, so I read Hosea 1 & 2 just to make sure I've wrapped my head around it. God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute. I don't know about you, but I don't think that may have been what Hosea had in mind when he thought about his future wife. As I continue to read, Hosea 2:5 breaks down what "prostitute" looks like: looking for food, water, linen, wool, oil and drink in all the wrong places. 

Have you ever been there? Willing to sell or trade yourself  (albeit short) for basic necessities? I have. Not on the street, but I have sacrificed all of my time and energy to my job(s) in lieu of job security. What inevitably ends up happening is that I'm reminded that I am disposable. Hosea 2:6-13 paints a vivid and frustrating picture of the unemployment line that ultimately pushed us to the end of ourselves. 

Thankfully, God doesn't leave us for dead at our breaking point; He uses it to bring us back to Him. Hosea 2:14-16 breathes words of hope:

Therefore I am now going to allure her;

I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her

There I will give her back her vineyards

and make the valley of trouble a door of hope

There she will sing as in the days of her youth

as in the day she came up out of Egypt

"In that day" declares the Lord, 

you will call me "my husband"; 

you will no longer call me "my master"

Are you lying in wait at your breaking point? My prayer for the both of us is that we wait with eager anticipation of God speaking tenderly to us in our deserts so that we may sing like we did when we were brought out of Egypt. 

Lies.

I've lost 100 pounds twice in my lifetime, and both times were an attempt to disprove lies that people spoke as truth into my life. However, at the time, I didn't realize that they were indeed lies. I think that if you're told something enough, you begin to believe it. So for me, the fact that I was overweight meant that I was unattractive and unlovable. If our value as humans is derived from our physical appearance, then I concluded that I must not have much value. Think about what you see on magazines, TV and billboards: those girls that are slender and pretty and therefore are (assuredly) being paid (monetary value). If you're not like these girls, then something must be wrong. These images are creating a false standard in our minds, and when we don't meet these standards, then we conclude that we either must meet them or die trying.

What if someone told me when I was 250 pounds that I was lovely and beautiful just the way I was? Furthermore, what if I actually believed that?! I wonder if it would have made me a joy to be around? I wonder if the freedom in being loved and accepted would have naturally allowed me to make healthier decisions?

My husband left me because of my weight. The rejection crushed me, and pushed me to the gym once again to disprove the lies I believed. Not only was I overweight, but I was a disheveled mess emotionally. Thankfully, Jesus met me in my mess to tell me that he loved me - the messy me. I didn't need to lose weight or wear makeup to be attractive to him; I already was. This was counter intuitive to the lies that I had once believed. Who was this Jesus that could or would love me when no one else did, not even my spouse?! He is the savior of the world, the only perfect being in all of history. The one who knew the sting of rejection so acutely that He knew exactly what I was going through. I wasn't alone.

Since my divorce, Jesus has steeped me in his love, grace, mercy and discipline. I know now that who I am is His daughter, and if He died for me, then He loves me. If that is true, then I conclude that I therefore have value and worth. Because of this, I naturally want to lead a healthier life. Running in the woods and shredding (or rather, trying to) down a snow covered mountainside is part of my life now, but not for any other reason than because I want to; because endorphin's put a smile on my face.

What lies are you believing today, and how are they shaping your view of yourself and the world?

Good Vibes

My 62 year old mom drove herself to the hospital this week due to complaints of severe gastrointestinal pains (her belly hurt). After much examination, the doctors concluded that her colon had flipped (I have no idea what this means or looks like) and therefore a portion of it had to be removed. Over the past decade, she has experienced copious amounts of maladies, with few that have led to tests and even fewer that have resulted in treatment or cures. Needless to say, this surgery was much needed, and I think, will put an end to her insidious pain.

I couldn't do much for my mother from 14 hours away except pray and wait. I posted on facebook for prayer for her surgery and then recovery. In and through this, I received lots of comments of prayer and "good vibes" from friends across the globe. I know my friends have good intentions, but the more I thought about "good vibes", the more they pissed me off. Urban Dictionary defines good vibes as "meaning all of the people, places, ideas, and possibilities that evoked positive, safe, happy sensations. Good vibes indicated a "green light, go for it" type of decision and described synchronicities, beneficial encounters, and sensations of protection and grace." Does this mean in other words, "Good Luck"? 

That doesn't sound very hopeful during a time of potential life and death. 

The other thing that bothers me is the thought that we, as humans, can emit something so profound that it would impact someone or something across continents or even state lines. 

This is the mental imagery I have when I think of emitting good vibes.

Care Bears are cartoons. Not humans. The best chance we have at sending hope or care across continents or state lines is a phone call, a letter, flowers....something that communicates. If we humans are broken and powerless by ourselves, what makes us think that we can emit a vibe that is good, let alone powerful enough to protect my mother in surgery? Or even worse, be of any comfort if something had gone wrong? This is why prayer to God: creator, sustainer, giver of life and  redeemer - is the only thing that could and would ease my weary mind during her surgery. He is the only one that has the power to be with the surgeon in the operating room and to be with me and my sisters in various locations, as we wrestle with the unknown.

I love my friends, and know they mean well, but I don't want good vibes. I can't put my hope in that. The only firm place that my hope can rest is in our creator and redeemer.  If He can create the world and everyone and thing in it (Genesis 1& 2), knowingly watch it destroy itself (Genesis 3), destroy it (Genesis 7), rebuild it knowing what would happen (Genesis 9), and still love all of it despite itself (Matthew, Mark, Luke and/or John), then I can trust that there is beauty in the breakdown, and furthermore, there is a plan at work.

What does being prepared for the return of Jesus look like?

So I'm reading Mark Atteberry's "Free Refill", and I reach the final chapter discussing the return of Jesus. He talks about "being prepared" and "having your life in order". Hmmm... it's stuff like this that make me wonder if I'm doing something wrong. I have a tendency to live by the seat of my pants; my mother calls it a "fly by night" kind of living. I don't really know what that means, but I do know that I am not really one that prepares for things in the far off future. (I'm easily irritated when my sister wants to discuss logistics for a vacation that is 6 months away.) Matthew 24 & 25 tell us to be prepared for His return, but what does being prepared look like?

I don't think being ready means "being cleaned up"; I think that idea is counter-intuitive to the Jesus that I know, the "friend of sinners".  Atteberry references a speed trap on a Florida highway saying that, if people knew when the cops would be hiding at said speed trap, no one would ever get pulled over because they knew to obey the speed limit. So does this mean we should be obeying the law all the time? I think this is also counter-intuitive to the "friend of sinners" Jesus, and frankly, the gospel at large. If we are sinners, then we cannot always be in full obedience. As Christians, we are sinners saved by grace. In and through this, Jesus met the obedience requirements for us in His death on the cross.

I'm wondering if being prepared for His return looks something like anticipation with bated breath? If you understand the human condition, then you understand that we are deeply flawed, and as a result, live in a very fallen world. My friend Jason uses the phrase that "things are not the way they should be". Anyone who watches the news or is aware of their surroundings knows this to be true. Last summer alone, I watched a kid overdose in my backyard, watched 10 EMT's pull a 400 pound suicide victim out of the house across the street, and watched heroin infiltrate my neighborhood via the next door neighbor. Personally, I befriended a recovering heroin addict years ago that has disregarded my feelings a dozen times over and as a result, broken my heart more times than I care to admit. What if being prepared meant waiting for all of this BS to be over? What if it meant waiting for "the way it IS supposed to be"?

I do think that all of the aforementioned scenarios point me to Jesus, my rescuer and redeemer. What if the suicide victim knew Jesus, savior of the world, as his own personal savior? Would that have made a difference in his desperation? Personally, I would say yes, but I only know that to be true because I too have experienced desperation and long suffering, and therefore knew (and had to be reminded by amazing people) that God is sovereign, redemption is real, and therefore the moments of desperation were not the end of the messy story. This is the good stuff, the stuff that gives me hope. Hope that Jesus really is coming back, that he hasn't forgotten us or betrayed us, and one day, restoration will come to our fallen world.

Worship and Crouching Devil, Hidden Dragon

If worship is praise, adoration and personal sacrifice for something bigger than oneself, I was raised to worship safety and security.

My mother couldn't drive in the snow and therefore it impeded her ability to get to work and earn an income. Snow became the enemy and something to be avoided. My dad doesn't have a college degree, so he felt that he had to work 10 times harder to earn his rank and prove his value.  If parents want for their children a better life than they had, then my parents idea of a better life contained warm weather and a college education. 

Here's the problem with worshiping something that didn't create the universe and everything in it:

 IT WILL FAIL YOU.

The act of worship is directed at someone or something; it also involves hope and trust in said object. So if I move to the south with my education, then I will surely have the safety and security that my parents said will save me. What happens when and if it doesn't? What if I'm still bartending in the south because my undergrad degree isn't enough? Then, naturally, I will throw a tantrum (because its the only logical thing to do). See, the problem with worshiping created things rather than the creator Himself is that we, as humans, created the created thing. We are the ones who gave the created thing meaning and value. 

The problem lies with us. Yup, you heard me. We, as humans, are sinners; inherently flawed. 

Therefore, if we are flawed, then any extension of us will be flawed too. So if I say that what I do for a living gives me value, what happens when my employer downsizes or no longer needs what I have to offer? By the theory above, then I no longer have value or worth. Or what happens I look for identity in my spouse and he leaves me? Do I no longer know who I am? Do I no longer have value and worth then? Work and marriage are good things, but when turned into ultimate things, they become bad.

So where do we go from here? I personally don't want to worship created things. Also, I know how fragile I am (yes, I really am a delicate flower despite my snowboarding adventures, tattoos, and general rough exterior), and I need to be aware of what or whom I give my heart to and invest myself in. It wont always be risk free, but I know that Jesus is Lord, so I first need to apologize for minimizing his death on the cross. Second, I need to remember this instance, so that when this opportunity rears its ugly head (think crouching devil, hidden dragon) I know that this road leads to death and this time, I choose life. I also need to remember that, if God is sovereign, then He is indeed in control of all things. So even though choosing life may prove to be detrimental (I could lose my job if I don't pick up extra shifts and be seen as a team player), then I have to trust that His plan is perfect, even when I can't see it (Jeremiah 29:11,12). 

Passover

The Passover (well really all of Exodus) is one of those sections in scripture that, when I saw myself in it, blew my mind. In the chapters leading up to 14, the Israelites are in slavery, under oppression of the new Pharoh. When things get tough, they begin to doubt God's sovereignty, His goodness and eventually their relationship with Him. In their discouragement and cruel bondage, they refused to listen to Moses when God promises to rescue them in chapter 6.

 I think we've all been there at least once...

Next come the plagues. God is working on Pharoh's hardened heart. He throws 6 natural disaster upon the land trying to get Pharoh to let up and let the Israelites out from under his rule, but alas, he refuses. The next one, the plague of the first born (chapter 11), cuts to the heart; but not before God gives special instructions: the Passover. 

Slaughter and feast on a perfect lamb, then paint some of the blood over your door so that "when I come to strike down every first born and bring judgement on all the gods of Egypt, the blood will be a sign, and I will pass over you. No destructive plague will touch you when I strike Egypt." - Exodus 12:12,13

Ok. Let me make sure I'm reading this right. I'm in slavery, hating life, despising God to the point of rejection, and God gives me provision anyway to prevent me from destruction?!?!?! 

I totally don't deserve that!!!!! 

That's what makes The Gospel so awesome. God loves us - a sinful, rebellious human race - so much that He sent his sinLESS, perfect son as the sacrificial lamb to die for the likes of us so that we could be rescued from ultimate destruction. 

So to celebrate the Passover, I did this. Not in legalism, but as an artful display of my gratitude for Jesus - my rescuer, my redeemer. 

How to dismantle a lightbulb

When the new CFL bulbs were advertised as a money saver, I switched every last bulb out, but kept all of the old ones because you never know when you'll need one. So when I was cleaning out the basement the other day, I came across this stash of 4 or 5 of them. 

"Woo hoo! What can I do with these?!" I thought. After perusing Pinterest, I decided to make flower vases out of them. I mean, I will have a rediculous amount of flowers soon anyway.

I started with an old bulb, a tiny nail and my (rusty) pliers. 

The first thing you need to do is pull what looks like a thumbtack out of the center. (Make sure to do this over newspaper so that you can gather all of the debris and throw it away when you're done).

Once this is out, you'll see a tiny hole. Insert your nail (or bobby pin) and wriggle it around until the black glass cracks. Tack your pliers and pull out all of the black glass. 

Wait, the bulb isn't hollow? Nope. Sure isn't. You'll want to pull out the two wires you'll see in there. (Oh - be sure that, when gripping the lightbulb with your opposite hand that you're gripping the metal part. Our tendency is to squeeze or grip firmly, and if you're holding the bulb end, off to the ER you'll go.)

Ok, here is where you exercise some patience. Stick one half of the needle nose pliers in the bulb and gently yet firmly press until you hear the inside glass break. Shake all of the guts out. 

Get a pen (or wire, whatever you have handy) and a paper towel. The bulb is actually clear with a white powder coating. Poke the paper towel into the bulb and swirl it around, wiping down the edges. 

Shake out more guts. I rinsed mine with warm water and let it air dry. On a side note, I had some foil wrapped wire from a party that I worked, so I used that as the hanger. Have fun!